It seems that being a mother in the current societal climate is a mixed bag. Many mothers find that maintaining an identity and a network of support, while they are nurturing their young children, is one of the hardest challenges they have faced. Some women who have had busy careers find the idea of being at home with a child a daunting one. To be a mother takes a lot of resourcefulness.
Orchestrating your day to balance your children’s needs for nurture, stimulation and physical care, with your own needs for friendship, creativity and growth, requires considerable skill. We endeavor to give mothers some good information about what are the “bottom lines’, and reassure you that you are doing one of the most significant jobs in the world. I like the quote by Rose Kennedy, President Kennedy’s mother, who said, “What greater challenge could one have, that was every bit as rewarding as a demanding profession, than that of bringing up a great child”.
It seems, in many ways, that this generation is underestimating the role of an available mother in a child’s life – especially during the first two years of his life. A mother’s emotional availability during those early years is vital. A child thrives not just on the food he is given, but on the love. Touching, singing, talking and playing are the building blocks of autonomy, creativity and intelligence.
In a study of language development in babies, the researchers found that the children whose mothers constantly talked to them had twice the vocabulary of those children whose mothers didn’t bother to talk because their child couldn’t talk back. In a real sense, early experience sets the “ceiling’ on a child’s future. A child is born with a huge number of neurons in his brain. These become connected and activated through experience. After about 3 or 4 years of age the unconnected neurons die off and a child’s intellectual potential is likely to be set for life.
This is also true of a child’s emotional well being. A baby does not see himself as separate from his mother. Therefore, if mothers are available for as large a part of the day as possible while children are still under two, this is likely to give your children a platform of security.
Neglected children tend to develop into manipulating and controlling adults because they are operating out of the fear that they will not survive if they are not “plugged in’ to someone. As young children, they learned how to manipulate in order to get their needs met because there was not a consistent adult available to them. This does not mean that a mother has to be “glued’ to her child, but it does mean thinking hard about how best the child’s needs can be met and about enjoying this season in his life.
The other side of the coin is that mothers have a need for support and friendship. Suburbia can be a lonely place these days for a mother at home with a child. Developing some structure in your day, week, month for both you and your child will be a huge challenge. Some mothers can organise to do part time work from home. Others love having the freedom to use these years to develop their own creativity: attending night classes, sporting clubs, coffee or book groups, play groups, etc.
Personally, I loved those years. I developed networks of friendships and acquired new skills that I would not have been free to do, if I had still been in the workforce full time. Love is meeting needs. If we see this time of our life as a “season at home’, during which we meet our child’s needs for nurture and security, we are likely to be rewarded with secure, independent children. We may also find that the spin off for us is a fresh burst of creativity, when that “season at home’ is over. Sequencing our careers and our child rearing may be an answer for both us and our child rather than trying to do it all at once and feeling torn between both. Keeping a balance and a perspective in life is vital.
This article is used with permission of Parents Inc. Visit parentsinc.org.nz for more great information on families and parenting.
